Disappointment
in which Betty has a gripe
Today I am mostly wearing a disappointed air, it is pale mauve and floaty. I could write a list of things that disappointed me today, but it would be long, and dull. Two things, however, stand out.
I received a package of underwear type items that I had ordered from a company I haven’t used before. My usual trepidation set in before I pressed the pay button, so I checked and double checked sizing, returns policy, did I really need these things etc, which naturally enough involved hitting the back arrow key, or whatever you call it. In doing so I lost my new customer discount code and by the time I realised that I had paid. I had a brief and disappointing conversation with an ai bot resulting in me shrugging it off because really life is too short and saying well at least I got a free pair of pants.
The package arrived super quick, I’ll give them that. I left it on the kitchen table overnight as nowadays I gear myself up before opening parcels, readying my soul for the wave of disappointment that will surely come, unless it’s books of course.
And so it did. One bra fits ok, the other (same size, different style) didn’t. The leggings had a waist band so tight I felt I might go numb from the waist down and my lower half would then fall off, like poor little lambs’ tails do. The baggy ‘lounge pants’ fit ok but of course were too long (that isn’t their fault, I am very short), and did not cut the blood off from my nether regions despite being the same size as the leggings, so that’s good enough. The other bits were ok, nice fabric (bamboo viscose mostly), so ok. So then, it’s off the to the post office I will go to return the unwanted items, which is what mostly happens with clothing bought on line. I will do this while knowing that most returned items of clothing bought online end up in landfill. I don’t know exactly why this is the case but I have to assume that someone/ai has done the maths and decided it’s cheaper to chuck than to repackage.
The second disappointment is bigger and sadder than my undergarments issues. It’s about baby food. The issue was brought to my attention by Lizzie Wingfield, who had brought it also to the attention of Bee Wilson, who had written about it previously in the Guardian and again more recently, and so word got about.
Word did indeed get about and one NHS website (Gateshead) took down their advice on what to offer your child if they are struggling with textures as a result. This advice included, I kid you not, Wotsits, Skips and Pom Bear ‘crisps’, and Cadburys chocolate buttons. All brand specific mind you. The page also helpfully reminded parents not to give children food they are allergic to. Top tip.
I went on to read Bee Wilson’s pieces and became more and more despondent. It seems this battle with the Food Giants (Lizzie Wingfield’s term) will never end. A small win on the Gateshead NHS website (the section is now being ‘reviewed’) but all the others, including Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children, that beacon of excellence, are still there. It has to of course be said that in some circumstances these bite and dissolve foods can help with speech and language, as well eating, issues and they do include disclaimers. It’s the bandying about of brand names that worries me as much as anything else.
Then there is the ubiquitousness (tricky word to spell) of baby purees, cluttering up the aisles of baby stuff and nonsense. It’s awfully easy in my dotage to seem judgemental about it all, look askance at mums and their bugaboos (or whatever the trend in buggies now is - mine was a Maclaren umbrella buggy which was excellent, finger tip amputations notwithstanding) as they load up on promises and the knowledge that they are doing right by the little bean, but I am really not. I remember well the lure and comfort of those aisles, the safety offered in the jars of Organix baby food because, well, it was organic, and therefore good. I used them when travelling or tired or feeling lazy or just needing reassurance that I was feeding my baby the right foods. Other times I mashed a banana, some carrots or cooked tiny pasta stars and mixed them with tapenade (I know, what can I say, he had exotic tastes even then). Those aisles told me that professionals had done the work for me so what I was buying was safe and good for my baby, from the nappies to the formula to the laundry liquid to those dinky little jars of brightly labelled nutrition.
But, back then there wasn’t quite so much of it. Now you can’t move for pouches of purees and dissolving ‘crisps’ with prices that per kilo rival wagu beef. Somewhere it says babies are not supposed to suck on the pouches, but the portability and design of the pouches of them totally encourages just that. And don’t get me started on ‘toddler milk’. It is unnecessary, in the extreme, but it is being marketed as the next stage for child to help with brain function and yada yada. It’s like cat milk, as in milk for cats, not milk from cats you understand - marketed as safe for cats because it’s lactose free, and never mind that lactose free milk exists in the human milk section at half the price, should you ever wish to give your felines a treat. When I was small our cats all drank full fat milk, it is just what we did (why not water? I don’t know), and they were fine (well, they weren’t but it had nothing to do with the milk). I digress.
Families will pay the prices for these ultra processed foods (UPFs - this is Bee from a year ago), and milks and special baby things, because, like I did, they believe the pat reassurances and clever packaging showing that the producers have our babies’ wellbeing at heart. Which would imply they have a heart, which they don’t because ‘they’ are simply corporate money making entities, aka Food Giants.
Anyway, you can read more and better about this with both Lizzie and Bee, but my disappointment is big with this. Humans cannot seem to learn and then put the learning to use unless it makes the corporations more money, so only the bad stuff gets made better and more efficient. This cycle will continue forever, until we make ourselves extinct from sucking our dinner through tubes down while scrolling on Zuckertime while wearing underwear that doesn’t fit.
Talking of feeding children, I firmly believe that children can and will happily eat what ever the family is eating, for the most part, with obvious modifications depending on age. However, in yet another life, pre Wales and in fact neatly spanning the four months just before we left Bristol, I was commissioned to write some recipes for a children’s TV programme which were not necessarily what the family might be eating of a Tuesday.
The recipes had be accessible for children, with an adult supervising, and due to the nature of the show involved making food to illustrate stories, often fairy tales, and a link to an ingredient which was explored by the one of the presenters - an interesting and clever idea. It was also an interesting and well paid job (pretty much the only time in my life when the work was commensurate with the pay!). It stretched my imagination in all directions but I did come up with some pretty good ideas, I think, only to see them changed in the final editing and ‘cooking’. Because I didn’t see the development the whole way through I had no control over what was done with the recipe once it left my hands so changes were made that in many cases I didn’t like. I know people with kids who think it’s a great show, and I believe it is too, but I wonder how many of those kids end up cooking the recipes with their (endlessly patient) parents. And I wonder if we really have to put faces on food to make children want to make and/or eat it. Anyway, for better or worse here are two versions of a child friendly (to make and eat) bean burger. and some pictures of some of the other story characters
Wolf Burger
(from the tale of the Three Little Pigs - the bun was referencing a bakery that was featured in that episode)
Ingredients
1 x 400g tin back or kidney beans, drained
1 small onion, finely chopped (Grown up)
1 tbsp plain flour - plus extra for dusting patties
Cooking oil
2 x Brioche buns, halved lengthways
Slices of cheddar cheese (optional)
Tortilla chips - for ears
Chives - for whiskers
Black olives - for eyes and nose
Yellow pepper - for eyes
Cream cheese (to use as ‘glue’)
1 lettuce, washed
Mayonnaise
Ketchup or any other burger condiments you like.
Method
Tip the beans and onion into the bowl and mash well together.
Add the flour and mix in with your hands or a wooden spoon - season with a little salt and pepper to taste.
Divide the mix into 2 and shape into balls with your hands.
Flatten the balls carefully, shaping it into a burger patty and dust with a little extra flour - this helps give a nice crisp finish to the burger when fried.
Put the patties aside.
Take the tops of the buns and cut slits into the bun where you want to place your tortilla chip ears and fit the ears in.
Cut the olives into almond shapes to make the pupils of the eyes.
Cut the yellow pepper into large almond shapes to make the rest of the eye and dry them on a piece of paper towel so they stick better.
Using a dab of cream cheese stick the yellow pepper and the olive pieces into place as the eyes.
Cut an olive in half length ways to make the nose and stick on using cream cheese glue.
Using the cocktail stick make three holes on each side of the nose for the whiskers.
Cut the chives to the desired length and carefully poke them into the holes.
Choose 2 nice lettuce leaves (make a delicious green salad with the rest of the lettuce!)
Spread some mayonnaise (optional) on the base of the bun, place the lettuce leaf on top and place on plates.
Heat some oil in a frying pan on medium heat and carefully place the burgers into the pan. (Grown up)
Let them fry for 2-3 minutes and then check to see if they are browning and crispy - if so turn them over using a fish slice or spatula and cook on the other side.
When the burgers are cooked place them on the lettuce leaves, top with some ketchup or what ever you like on your burgers and then top it all with the wolf face lid!
If you are using cheese place the slices on top of the cooked side and carry on frying for another 2-3 minutes or until the bottom of the burger is nice and crispy. The cheese will melt a little - if you want more melting you can place a large lid over all three burgers for 2 minutes which will help contain the heat and so melt the cheese some more.
To be fair to myself I was only told half way through the job that I needed to keep the ingredients and process to a minimum, this is an early one, so mine is a bit maximalist by comparison. Not sure where the carrots came from thou
I'm shocked that your purchase didn't totally please (that will be the extent of my sarcasm). I have been wondering about that box all night, but at least I noticed it. I enjoyed your time making those recipes. They were great fun to look at, and I assume to eat.
My children, who are now in their mid to late twenties, loved Big Cook Little Cook. But I don't remember trying out the recipes. For my part I think I spent far too much time cooking food for my kids from scratch - all that Annabel Karmel pureeing things and freezing them in ice cubes. There must be a happy medium.